Reflections from the Past: When It's Over...

This is a piece of writing from deep in my past. You don't need to give me condolences about the loss of this relationship, because it was years ago. So long ago, in fact, that I feel comfortable sharing the knowledge I gained and feelings I had associated with it.... which at the time was a pretty big deal, so that should tell you just how long ago it was. Don't ask me who 'she' is. I'll never tell. ;-)

So what happened? Eh... hard to explain, I don't know if I've figured it out fully myself. I'll go ahead and make it sound all dramatic, when really we both know it's stuff like this that's just life.

Turned out she had a deep insecurity related to appearing weak in front of people, especially men, which debilitated her when it came to doing things for other people. She got a nose piercing, which I didn't like, and I realized it's because she's not happy with the life she has (particularly the school she's at) and it was her way of fronting that she didn't care. I started to notice it all the time — she refused to see movies I really wanted to see with her because, "Just because you like it doesn't mean I will." This kind of bothered me because I felt like saying, "You think every movie I see with you is just for me?"

It slowly dawned on me that she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who would do everything for her, and for whom she didn't have to do anything—because that satisfied her need to feel strong at all times. It was also around that time that I realized she never really relied on me for actual emotional support... just logistical things; also coming from an intense desire not to ever feel or appear weak.

It hurt a lot to realize this because I like doing things for other people that I wouldn't do for myself. The relationship my parents had gave me the example that the strongest thing a person can do is practice selflessness. I'm sure my Dad hated Folsom, but he went there because that was what made sense for my Mom and their children. I doubt my Mom loved driving a rusty-bucket old van around for years (which had an enormous crack in the radiator), but she did it because the people she cared about had other priorities. Reflecting on how I felt about things like this, I could see it was going to be a permanent problem in the future. Knowing that gave me a lot of anxiety about how long our relationship could last.

I'm not sure what caused this in her, but I talked to her about it, asked her questions and such, and at this point I'm sure admitting to her that I recognized it was the final nail in our relationship.

I was thinking about breaking up with her every day, but the feeling I hate most in the world is the doubt that you didn't try your hardest. I was having a hard time letting it go but I was definitely less attracted to her, and the truth is I probably didn't make her feel as good about herself as I used to, since now she knew I saw something she desperately wanted to hide from the world.

I absolutely did not send any of this to her. People don't like to hear things like that about themselves, so it wouldn't do anything for her. After all, probably her deepest wish in life is to not have to admit this to herself. We people are afraid that if the world acknowledges something we are afraid is true, it makes it actually true instead of just something we're afraid might be true. And besides, isn't it all just a self-fulfilling prophecy?—If fear is a kind of weakness, admitting that you're afraid of being afraid is admitting that you're weak! Besides I've figured this out on my own, so besides just the satisfaction of saying it to her, I wouldn't get anything from it ... which is never a good reason to say something to someone.

Intimacy's a difficult thing for people, especially with all the problems we have, and I'm aware that I just was asking too much of her... Not that if I had it to do over again I'd want less. I'm a square guy, she's a round girl; in this case we just wanted different things. I might sound matter of fact, but of course it hurts like hell.

At the end of the day you just hope it's not too much to ask of someone out there, and keep going.

Missing Things — So Damn Hard...

I do not miss people. I do not miss things. I don’t miss anger, arguing, or spite.

I don’t care for regrets much, and I certainly don’t care for dishonesty.

But I do miss smiles, shared joy, and wisdom. Regrets sometimes bury me alive, and anger has more than once poured into my mind, exploded out of my heart, so destructive...

As I struggle to let it all go, I often realize what I’m missing most are just ideas, sometimes false, and really the struggle is letting the ideas go...

I do not miss flesh. Or bones.

And from those precious few, what I actually miss is being effected.

Neurotics (yes, I know neuroses)

I often find myself thinking that when we are first meeting people we emphasize qualities about ourselves we view to be positive. Maybe it’s because these are easy to talk about?

“I love jogging.”

“I find history so interesting.”

“I love hearing about peoples’ experiences.”

Am I saying we’re lying?—No. But ultimately I think it’s like trading pleasantries. For better or worse, I don’t think that what we like or love defines us; or if it does, it only defines us for ourselves.

For the people in our lives besides ourselves, I think the most defining character facets will be the things we don’t like, the things we can’t handle, can’t stand.

I don’t believe this because I think people are awful. Rather I find that these are the things that most strongly influence our relationships with others—our neurotic tendencies can push the people closest to us away, making their relationship-defining power, for lack of a better phrase, awe-inspiring.

Ignoring them seems to result in a beautifully imperfect picture; one where you see a person without this all-important aspect, and perhaps on the vain side of things, that person sees how you look at them and sees his or herself without it. But it will either be ignored incessantly for life—without going away—or... It’ll make trouble.

At the end of the day it probably won’t matter how much two people both love football, sex, or astrology. The deepest and most successful relationships between people are transformed and guided through the ability of the parties involved to recognize, admit and deal with neurotics.